the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
