so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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