I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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