this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
