I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
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I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....