Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
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We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
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He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
did i just pee glitter
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.