I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...