The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.