I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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