remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
