the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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