i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
