17 year olds will be the death of me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
