her vagine was all disorganized.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
