fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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