Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
