a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dating After Heartbreak
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"