I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
