i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.