Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
