I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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