so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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