I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
