i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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