The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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