She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
