I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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