Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
