So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Brb crying the tears of my youth
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
