I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
