I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
