Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
