Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
