a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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