It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So much rum. So many feels.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
