There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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