OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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