Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
