what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
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Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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