I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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