my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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