So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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