Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
