you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
