Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
