i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
that's an acceptable place to lick
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
