I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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