just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
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