I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
