I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
