I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
