Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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