ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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