Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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