His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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