I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
