There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
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You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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