Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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