He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
